Apathy.

It's amazing lately, how little I feel.

I'm trying so hard to even care that I don't care, but it's not happening. I'm dying, I think. I wonder if it's even scarier to know that you're dying inside than to know that you're dying physically, because if you die inside you have to keep living and faking people out so they think you feel, so they think you're okay, because it's even worse to make people worry.

I know that I should care. I know that I am being presented with about eight thousand opportunities to care, but I just shut down. I can't seem to handle it.

Have I just been deluding myself, completely? I am a trusting person. I am too trusting. I love people too easily... or is that just someone I thought I was? Am I really this hardened, bitter girl that can't even be bothered to feel about things?

Or is it just lack of response? I'm here, I'm present, I'm ready to give of myself... but nobody seems to notice? Maybe that's it. Maybe I'm everything I think I am, and nobody is having the right response to it.

People say it's wrong to love simply for the sake of loving. I don't know if I see that, anymore, because I understand it. Sometimes you have so much to give that nobody wants and when one person wants it, despite all your best attempts, you'll hand it over. Because they need it. They need someone to trust in them and love them, and you can do that.

I'm not sure if anyone wants it. If anyone even needs what I have to give.

And maybe that is why I'm apathetic. Because I'm ready... but no one is waiting.